Pain Body & a Man's Role?

 "In most people, the pain-body has a dormant and an active stage. When it is dormant, you easily forget that you carry a heavy dark cloud or a dorman volcano inside you, depending on the energy field of your particular pain-body. How long it remains dormant varies from person to person: A few weeks is the most common, but it can be a few days or months. In rare cases the pain-body can lie in hibernation for years before it gets triggered by some event."  -A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

Reading this last night before bed and it hit me hard. Seems likely that my crashes (referenced in yesterday's post) have a lot to do with my pain body. I've for sure experienced this with emotional triggers, like when something breaks or I don't konw how to do something. This triggers me big time and causes an intense wave of emotion that feels like rage and frustration. Underneath it I can feel the grief and shame of being imcopetent or "not enough." 

Not sure exactly how the physical exertion goes with the above paragraph though. That seems a bit more elusive to tie together. I have noticed I almost always am rushing through the task to get it done as quickly as possible. I can feel a resistance to the present moment. Basically, I don't at all want to be doing what I am doing so I try getting it done ASAP. Definitely something there to dive deeper into at some point...

Got smacked in the face today while listening to a podcast discussing gender roles. Talked about the man's role to have resolve in the midst of challenges to be the steadfast presence for his wife and children. This is something I definitely lack. I feel weak and not "man enough." I feel like a boy in a lot of situations. Embarassing to admit, but it is true. Although, I have certainly made much progress in recent years. Feel good about that.

I feel that I make my life too much about me, that I'm too selfish. Wonder if I could start switching my framework in subtle ways toward my purpose (one of them anyway) toward being that steadfast man of strength for my wife and hopefully kids in the near future. Also, for others who come across my path that need it. Definitely for my family and close friends, as well. 

I do feel that culture has confused men as to what their role is in the world today. Especially in the home with their family. I don't really know exactly what I think about all this, but I do have some ideas. I grew up conservatively and then rejected that for a time, but now feel a reckoning in some ways with how I was raised. Would be fun to have conversations about it with people who have opinions on both sides, as well as in the middle. 

I do feel pretty rough again today, but I am attempting to find peace in the midst of that. I can feel it more now than I ever have before, so that's nice. Simply doing my best to be present to how my body feels as well as my emotions/mental health. Trying to create more gaps between my thoughts because they tend to almost always be very negative and detrimental to my health when I give myself over to identifying with my thoughts as me, if that makes sense. 

Well, time to grill some burgers and zucchini. Then having a chat with my mentor tonight. Definitely going to bring some of this stuff up for discussion. Peace!