Finding My Voice

 Finding my voice...crucial for me in this season of life. Just came up on a call with my mentor. He said, "I keep hearing you emphasize this word voice." He was right. I told him how that's a big part of why I have decided to get back to blogging regularly again, and am enjoying it so much-- I often struggle voicing myself. 

If an Earthling wants to know me and/or feels safe, I can be voice myself quite articulately. I have a deep sense of self-awareness, but a lot of it stays inside. When I have opportunities to let it out, it feels orgasmic. And I'm not exaggerating. I notice this when I get off really authentic calls or times hanging out with someone I'm close with. I may have been feeling shitty before, then after I feel totally different in the best of ways. It is medicine for me, no joke. 

On the call with my mentor tonight, I was reflecting back to high school. I was super shy, utterly terrified of girls. I remember being in the lunch room sitting next to my older girlfriend and I couldn't even eat my lunch because my stomach was completely tied in a zillion knots. I barely spoke to her or to anyone else. It was excruciating and I felt so alone in it. No one knew what was going on inside of me. I didn't realize at the time that I needed to talk about my struggles.

Also during high school, my armpits got insanely sweaty. I would always wear undershirts and carried my Old Spice deoderant in my Jansport (remember those?!) backpack. I usually had to reapply several times throughout the day. And even before that...in elementary school, I remember being aware of my sweaty palms at church. There was this moment each Sunday during the church service when the congregants shook hands with those around them. I dreaded this moment. I would often excuse myself right before this time to "use the bathroom." I had it timed down to a science!

So much fear at such a young age. I look back on my younger self with such compassion. That boy needed to know he was not alone and that it was okay. He just needed someone to talk to about this stuff, and it most likely would have had significant impacts. It was no one's fault. I am not blaming anyone here. I truly believe this was exactly how my life was supposed to play out to make me into the person I am today. We face the fire and come out the other side more resilient. 

Back to present day. I have a fervent desire to be known and accepted. More than even a desire...better said, a craving or yearning. Not that most people don't, I think everyone does. Some just maybe aren't aware of it at all, some maybe a little bit. I'm very aware of it. It drives a lot of what I do, actually. 

This is why I have an aversion to social gatherings and parties where small talk is par for the course. I avoid these like the plague. Seriously, there aren't many things I would rather avoid more. I find small talk painfully boring and a waste of time. I'm not a complete idealist. I realize it's an unfortunate part of being a human at this current stage of human consciousness. But I would prefer it be the minority instead of the majority. 

Engaging in small talk with someone I just met is hella more tolerable than with someone I've known for a while, especially when it comes to family. Some of my family members have no clue who I am. From my perspective, they mostly know my childhood self, or a former version of who I once was. This makes me sad. I wish it weren't this way. But it just is...this it all part of life. Things are never supposed to be just the way I want them. 

I'm almost always down to go deep with anyone...anywhere...any time. I feel an instant energetic shift when someone shares something authentic with me. I feel the spark...a real tangible connection. It feels really good. I want more of this in my life. When I find people who can easily go there, I make them a friend for life. I am lucky enough to have several of these people in my life. To me, this is one of life's greatest treasures.

Starting to land this plane. Making it an intention to voice myself more. To not shy away from possible making someone uncomfortable by what I say or who I am. Not fearing potential conflict or confusion. I heard someone once say that Healthy Tension is a necessary part of human relationships, be it platonic or romantic. Otherwise, relationships would be boring. No one truly wants people in their life who will always just roll over and bend to the other person's opinions and desires. There's no spark in that. 

Much of this is aptly summarized in Robert Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. That book helped me make sense of a lot of this stuff I'm rambling about. A wise man he is. Everyone should read that book-- man or woman. For guys, it's a must read for sure. 

Well, I feel complete on this topic for now. Thanks for tagging along. Be well and be you. Find your majestic voice and speak it into the world. And know that you will be met with resistance, but take heart. 

Peace, my fellow traveler.