Mother Wound: please her or love her?

 Men, do you ever find yourself trying to please your wife or girlfriend? 

This used to be a big issue for me (sometimes still is). Trying to please her has a very different energy than doing things for her out of unconditional love. The former has a string attached and you are doing something to get affirmation in some way. The latter has no strings attached and you are doing something simply because you care for her and want her to experience your tangible juicy thick love.

An easy way to tell which energy you are acting from is: Do you have resentments if she doesn't say/do what you hoped for? I'm sure you are attune enough to be able to feel that within.

And herein lies the dilemma of the infamous Mother Wound. Most guys were raised primarily by their mother and influenced by other female caretakers (teachers, grandmas, etc.). Male babies obviously need their mothers for survival in the early days, and her love and caretaking carries on throughout most of the boy's life while he lives at home. 

If the father isn't highly involved as the boy begins entering formative years (around teenage), the boy continues to look to and rely on his mother to feel safe and okay in the world. She basically is always taking care of him and keeping him out of harm's way. If dad doesn't step in and start teaching the boy how to be self-reliant (in a healthy way) and model to him what it means to become a man (initiation), then the boy will stay a boy as he grows into a man's body. 

And these are dangerous "men." This is what has created "toxic masculinity" and caused soooooooo many woman to be jaded and to quite frankly have a toxic disdane toward all men. So common, unfortunately. 

These boy-men will get girlfriends and eventually marry a woman, and then expect her to take the place of mommy (almost never a conscious thing). She leads and he looks to her for affirmation. She must be "okay" with him, or his nervous system becomes dysregulated and he experiences unpleasant emotions (anxiety, fear, etc).

So the boy-man must learn to become a man. He must find his inner integrity by asking himself, "what kind of man am I?...what is a man?...what am I here to do?" Once he is guided by his inner compass, and not her approval, then and only then will she begin to respect and trust him. 

If you are lucky enough to find an older man you think has figured it out, then hopefully he will help guide you along your process. It'll be bumpy and messy, especially at first. But stay the course and real change will eventually begin.

Please please pleeeaaasssseeee don't be one of those guys that always has to ask his wife for permission to do something. That's embarassing, and no woman or man will respect you if that's how you move through the world as a fully-grown adult.

Lastly, this doesn't mean you do whatever the hell you want without communicating anything to your gal. Get clear on your non-negotiables so that you are resourced/supported enough as you move through your life. Self care, whaver that may look like for you, is imperative. Basically, just learn how to communicate kindly and honestly (still something I struggle with, to be honest). 

Ultimately, you will be able to better serve her, your family & friends, and the rest of the world when you are tapping into your true powerful healthy masculine energy. Everything in your life will start getting better. 

SO MUCH more to say on this topic. Stopping for now. Happy Sunday & Mother's Day ya'll!