My Story: Seeking Truth

I was inspired to write this post because of an extraordinary conversation I had with a friend the other day. Our conversation was honest and raw, not your everyday kind. We discussed our frustration with how Christianity suppresses questioning and doubting among its followers. We were contending that doubts and questions should be encouraged in Christianity because true faith is worthy of it. The internal struggle that sometimes happens in one’s faith simply matters too much to ignore. Doubting one's faith should not be viewed as "struggling with a sin." Doubt should be held in the highest regard, as an admirable part of genuine faith. My intent for writing is less about the church's shortcomings in handling doubts, but more about encouraging my fellow doubters to be courageous.

An analogy is to think of a husband and wife who have been married for 25 years, yet never discuss their struggles or frustrations in their marriage. What a ridiculous way to act. A marriage would never last that long if that’s the way a couple handled their communication. Relationships thrive when both parties openly acknowledge and communicate their frustrations; otherwise, they plummet. I have difficulty understanding why religious leaders ignore and suppress the very honest, meaningful questions and doubts from their followers. What are these leaders afraid of? Mediocre relationships stem from turning a blind eye to conflict, and the same thing happens in religion. Sidestepping honesty creates mediocrity, no matter what sphere we are talking about. Why would anyone want to ignore the stuff that deeply matters? It makes no sense to me. How can apathy and faith lie in bed together?

I have always tried to be all-in with my faith. Sure, I’ve had my apathetic moments, but that’s part of being human. Ever since my mystical encounter in 2008 that radically altered my life, I have been obsessed with going after the truth, no matter the cost. I would not have called it an obsession with truth back then. I thought it was an obsession with the “Christian God.” Now I see it otherwise. To give you some understanding of my all or nothing mentality toward things that matter most to me, I will give you a few examples. My newfound obsession with Christianity propelled me (a man in his 20’s) to write Bible verses, Christian quotes, and helpful charts on the walls of my bedroom in magic marker. My obsession inspired me to spend hours studying different Bible translations in hopes of determining what certain passages meant. My obsession landed me a job at a large church for a few years, stirred me to move to California for a year to attend a Charismatic ministry school that focused on miracles, and motivated me to enroll in divinity school to study theology. I could describe many more similar events, but the gist is that from 2008-2016, I was obsessed with Jesus, God, the Bible…all the Christian stuff. My use of the word obsession might be a bit hyperbolic, but you could surely say I was a bit radical.

In 2016, I enrolled in Regent University’s online Divinity School studying their Masters of Theological Studies program with aspirations of becoming a university professor. I wanted to understand the Bible better so that one day I could teach others how to do so. Up to this point, the Bible had been a great source of hope and encouragement to me. I enjoyed learning about God’s unconditional love and the beautiful stories of Jesus. Contrary to what I expected, I didn’t last long in Regent’s program. Straight away, I realized the school’s theology was not a good fit for me. Instead of being encouraged to ask and contemplate the BIG questions: heaven, hell, Jesus, and the Bible, to name a few, I was subliminally told that certain questions were off limits. This was a hard pill to swallow since I already felt guilty for having these questions to begin with. I got excellent grades and had no trouble understanding the material or doing the work, but my heart wasn’t in it because my hunger to seek truth was being suppressed. I only lasted for two semesters. Isn’t it ironic that studying theology at a Christian University was the beginning of the end for me and Christianity?! Up to that point, I had numerous questions and frustrations with my religion, but I still felt firmly planted in the tribe. Suddenly, I was starting to wonder if I was even a Christian anymore. I admit that my experience is not an accurate reflection of all universities or churches, but I do believe it portrays the predominant landscape of American Christianity.

It was terrifying to feel like I was losing my faith, and it only made matters worse to think that my two options were: stay closeted or risk being shamed by expressing my serious doubts. The world is an incredibly scary and lonely place when everything you have believed and been anchored by starts to slip away. Feeling like I couldn’t open up to someone was, of course, a lie. Nonetheless, it felt true at the time and was a difficult lie to see through. So, I held it inside for a while. Sure, I told some people, but not any Christians. Then one day I decided I needed to tell my girlfriend at the time (now wife). I was nervous, but as expected, she responded with grace and love. My news stirred some feelings of unrest in her and didn’t come as a total shock because of previous frustrations I had expressed, but because she had already been feeling her own dissatisfaction toward Christianity, she was able to empathize with my discontentment. 

Pausing from my story, I want to focus on Christianity for a bit. I am disturbed by the current state of Christianity for a myriad of reasons. I am not discounting the good the religion does or the many wonderful folks in it, of course. I am rather, openly stating my thoughts and feelings toward this most popular American religion that was once the foundation for my life. Some folks believe that Christianity will always be around and is the religion that will save the entire world from destruction. I am not necessarily that optimistic for Christianity. I don’t know for sure how linked its survival is to the betterment of society. I am much more concerned about humanity and the state of our consciousness. For example, how are we treating each another? And how are we taking care of ourselves and our planet? Despite my frustrations, Christianity will always be in my blood. I grew up in it and immersed myself into it for eight formative years in my 20’s. My goal is not to demonize or badmouth Christianity, claiming that it does more harm than good. I will leave that to Atheist superheroes like Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris. Rather, my goal is Reform. I still think Christianity has potential to do more good than harm and should be saved. It is important to point out the failures or else nothing will change or get any better. Just like a marriage, Christianity matters too much to stay silent.

It may sound harsh, but Christianity has mostly become a religion of cultural convenience. Christianity reflects more of its nation’s values than it does its founder. To this day, I am still baffled that many American Christians seemed more bothered by Colin Kaepernick kneeling during the national anthem or the thought of a Democratic President, than over tragic humane issues like the estimated half million homeless living in our country. I recognize that these are blanket statements and are not 100% accurate, but they have been my common experience in talking with folks. From what I have seen, Christians rarely want to be bothered by ideas that challenge theirs or cause discomfort. Being stubbornly certain in your beliefs is a terrible way to be able to relate to other human beings and help make the world a better place. I find this disturbing and believe it should also be disturbing to those who take their Christian faith seriously. I know that for many of my devout Christian compadres, it is.

Back to the topic of focus: doubts and questions. Folks who begin struggling with Christianity often end up divorcing their faith. It can happen suddenly or be drawn out over several years. In the early stages, you do your best to remain a part of the club. However, this is no easy task when you look around and everyone else seems satisfied with “business as usual.” The faithful appear to be enjoying their experience because no one is expressing any doubts or frustrations. Feeling like the odd man out quickly produces feelings of shame and isolation. I compare this experience to a low-level multiple personality disorder, acting one way around Christians and another way around people who know the real you. It should come as no surprise that a person can only hide in isolation for so long until enough is enough. Once you reach the stage where all Christian lingo becomes utterly repulsive, you are half way out the door. “Jesus…Bible…Holy Spirit…Prayer…Grace” …they lose their meaning and trigger an autonomic negative emotional response in the pit of your stomach that makes you feel like you want to puke. If you think I am exaggerating, I'm not. Many people have shared this same feeling with me. These words drop from your vocabulary and sound like nails on a chalk board any time you hear them. At this point, you realize it is time to distance yourself from it all because resentment and anger start setting in. Also, faking it no longer feels like a viable option. So, you say goodbye…maybe for just a little while, or maybe forever.

Back to my story: It is now present day, November 2, 2019. These last three years I have continued to deconstruct my beliefs. My mind is constantly full of questions and doubts. My wife laughs at me sometimes for the way I obsess over this stuff. Like I said in the beginning, I am always all-in. Over the years, I have spent my time with books and podcasts on Christianity, other religions, psychology, science, metaphysics, philosophy, New Age, etc. I have been having great conversations with folks both inside and outside of Christianity. I have been attending many different Christian churches and services of other faith traditions. Have I thrown Christianity in the trash? Certainly not. In the conversation with my friend, he pointed out that, despite whether or not it really happened, the story of Jesus coming to Earth as a humble man to reveal unconditional, self-sacrificial love is the most beautiful story ever told. I agree, and that's why I think Christianity still matters and can be absolutely beautiful. Do I believe in God anymore? Some days I think I do and some days I think I don’t… most days I just don’t know. I understand why people believe in God and I see His existence as a possibility, but I, along with anyone else, cannot claim certainty on the matter. I do not read the Bible or know how to pray anymore, and I have lost all ability to even begin to describe who or what God is; therefore, I remain open to the possibility of God’s existence but am unsure of my conclusive beliefs. But I assure you this: my seeking will never stop.

Ironically, for the first time in five years I am attending a church. Weird, I know. Even though I feel Agnostic most days, I feel oddly at home there. “How does that work?”, you might be wondering. Good question, I don’t really know. What I do know is there are some wonderful humans at this church, I deeply respect the leader, and they are theologically open enough to make me feel like I can belong. Yes, it feels weird sometimes because I still struggle hearing many of those Christian buzz words. But I am learning how to hear beyond the words and grab hold of the Truth that they and I are both seeking. I have been making intentional efforts to be transparent with some of the folks in the church about my beliefs. For years I hid, but no more. I desire a spiritual community who accepts me for me, not for a fake version. I am learning how to have genuine conversations with folks about faith and doubt and how the two are mutually inclusive.

I want to be a voice for folks who are hiding in their early stages of doubt. I want to be a voice for those who have stepped away from their faith, for now, because it felt like the necessary move to make. I want to be a voice for those who have totally written it off as completely ludicrous, because I understand. And I want to be a voice for those who are my position right now-- trying to find their place in a spiritual community, this time carrying their doubts like a badge of courage, no longer remaining quiet or ashamed.

Through it all, I have had an epiphany: All I care about anymore is TRUTH. I have always been obsessed with discovering the truth, I just didn’t know that’s what I was searching for. Seeking truth has taken me on a wild journey. For most of my life I was certain that truth resided only within Christianity. Now, I believe truth can be found in many different places in the hearts of genuine, loving people. I think an Atheist can find his truth just as Christians or Hindus can find theirs. Although I understand why folks adhere to their chosen religion, I don’t find it to be a necessity.

I believe truth can be found and experienced in a variety of ways. I do not believe truth is relative, but I do think it is fluid in the sense of the words and labels we attach to it (refer my post on this). Often, when people claim to know "the only truth," they are unknowingly referring to their speculative version of it. For example, “Jesus is the only truth.” Or, “The Bible is the only place to find truth.” This idea of truth is an opinion. An opinion that is often derived from their parents or pastor, not from doing their own work. Sure, they might have done the work and feel certain, but it is still their opinion. I am not so naïve to think that people will ever stop claiming to have cornered the market on truth, especially when it comes to religion, but I do now understand that this is their opinion and we are certainly all entitled to those. I certainly have mine, which is what this entire rant is about: my opinions. I strongly believe it is crucial for us to discuss and debate our ideas of truth with one another for the purpose of moving closer to truth as a society. Through many diligent studies and life experiences, my conclusive thought on truth is this: I no longer see truth as a final destination, rather I envisage truth-seeking as a never-ending journey containing endless layers.

Although some seasons for me have been challenging, I am extremely grateful for all that I have been through. My journey truth-seeking journey has no finish line. I will continue to be curious and study, and go wherever my experiences lead me. I know that my beliefs are ever-changing, often in drastic ways, and I am at peace with that now. I do not fear what lies ahead; instead, I eagerly anticipate the new and exciting truths I will discover. I believe Truth, although not relative, seems fluid because as we change and evolve our understanding of Truth does also. To seek Truth is to consistently strive to be a better human being and is of the highest calling.  

I want to end with a message for all my fellow doubters out there. I want you to know that it is okay to question and doubt, and anyone who tells you otherwise is motivated by fear. Your doubts prove that your faith deeply matters to you. Your doubts are a beautiful sign pointing you toward Truth. Some of you are probably terrified because it feels like your world is slipping away, but do not fear! This difficult time in your life will produce amazing fruit. You will change and grow and become a stronger person. You might lose some friendships but will assuredly make some new ones too. One day, you will look back on this time and feel eternally grateful for what it taught you. Always allow your life experiences to be your greatest teacher.

Lastly, I need you to know that there are others of us out there. You are not alone, and you never will be. I advise you to not be reckless with your newfound ideas and consider what might be good timing. Act in courage and in love, when the time is right. Trust your gut. Be bold. Those who truly love you will stand by your side when they find out the truth inside of you. Initially, they might be scared, and it might take grueling work, but your most important relationships will be strengthened. Lastly, if you feel alone and confused and terrified, I am here to help. Send me an email and I will help you continue along your path toward Truth!