Faith Amidst Doubt

After spending the last several years deconstructing my Christian faith, I find myself in a place where I don't really know what I believe anymore. I'm not sure if I even have much of a faith right now. It's a strange place to be and doesn't make me feel very grounded.

I miss having deep convictions about my faith. Always having something concrete to lean on gave me a deep sense of peace. Even with life's nervy moments, having that life preserver out in the middle of a wavy ocean felt safe. Now it's as though I'm still grasping the life preserver, but it has 50 holes in it. Would I be better off just letting go?

I don't think letting go is my best option. I'm a deeply spiritual person and I want to believe in something fiercely again. I miss that. I just need to figure out what that new life preserver looks like for me. Instead of just having one handed to me, I need to carefully consider how I will fashion my own-- the colors, the materials, the weight...it all matters. This time, it will be mine.

It will be mine because I've put in the work and figured it out. I will have worked through the difficulty of having faith amidst doubt. Since I grew up in a faith where faith=certainty, I'm struggling to find my faith since I really don't have certainty in anything. My world is no longer black and white like it used to be. Living in a world of gray has not yet become comfortable...maybe it isn't supposed to be.

I know there are others out there who have gone through this same journey, and many who are currently experiencing it like I am. I've spend a lot of time reading and having conversations with others about this topic, but for some reason I haven't felt like I've been able to find my newfound faith yet. But I'm holding onto hope that it's on its way...that things will soon start to click. Maybe all of the sudden I'll be out in wavy ocean and this new life preserver will appear.

If you share my sentiments about the struggle of having faith amidst doubt, you are certainly NOT ALONE. Best of luck as you make and remake your life preserver until you finally settle on one that just feels right, feeling like your very own.