Ramblings...

Brutal night of sleep last night. I thought this rough patch was over but apparently not. Finally fell asleep around 3am after taking melatonin, Sleep+, and a small dose of Ativan. None of these things really seemed to help. I think my body finally got exhausted enough and I passed out.

My body felt tired, but I just couldn't fall asleep. I had a very small amount of 100% dark chocolate around 6pm, so maybe it was that. It's difficult to know for sure since my sleep is so sensitive these days. 

So, I've been feeling groggy all day today, even though I slept in til a bit after 9am. My brain isn't firing at full capacity...I feel off and my mood is low. Hopefully tonight is better. 

With situations like this, my tendency is to go into full victim-mode..."Poor me," "Why is this happening to me," "This isn't fair," on and on and on. I have mentioned this shadow side of mine in a recent post. 

When challengese arise, there's still a boy inside of me that wants to crumble...wants someone or something to come and save him and make everything ok. The good news is, I'm notice it happening now and can course correct. "Nope, not doing that anymore." It's a bit of a seesaw effect. Tug of war, or what have you.

As I was reflected this morning on my mentor's favorite question, "What am I to be learning through this?", I thought about how I'm being called to see the okayness even when things don't go as planned. No need for me to freak out or lose my cool, just try to remain calm and present, trusting that things will work out. Loosening my tense grip on life.

This is much easier said than done due to my arduous journey with chronic illness. Being sick for so long has created a major feeling of unsafety in my body and so I've had to become ruthless of keeping myself out of situations that I knew would likely cause me to feel unwell or set me back in my health. Living this way has a caused a major trauma/pain point around releasing control over situations in the day to day. 

I certainly still notice a strong proclivity in me to want to control all the circumstances and environments in my life...then getting frustrated when my expectations go unmet, as life is so good at doing. I wish it was easier for me to trust all situations at hand and know that things will work themselves out in the proper timing.

I wish my default was to embrace and encourage adversity, knowing it is building my character and deepening who I am at my masculine core. I am starting to move more this way, thankfully, it just isn't my go-to when shit hits the fan in my life. But I'll get there with repetitions over time. Old habits die hard, as they say. 

Thinking back to my college soccer days, I remember how brutal some of those running practices were. Especially the longer distance stuff. I've never liked running much...I tolerated sprints better than long distance. I wasn't built for long distance running...or maybe I just didn't have the right mentality...the latter is probably more like it, or maybe a combination I suppose.

Our culture has gotten so soft, hency why us men have gotten soft. Men these days have it really easy compared to men of previous generations, not in every way though. Physically speaking, men have it easy for the most part. Psychologically and spiritually speaking, this may be the most challenging time for men due to all the technology, insanely busy lives that men try to lead, and all the cultural insanity. We are bombarded with a million things to "make us happy" or that we "need to do." 

Men thrive off physical challenges because it connects them to their body. This is crucial because when you're connected to your body, you can't be stuck in your mind. This might be the number one issue men are dealing with today: Ruminating thoughts all day long, thoughts that are mostly negative. 

This is key to developing real Presence: Connecting to your body and quieting the mind. It's hard as hell to do because of the way society is setup and how we are conditioned from a young age, mostly by people who mean well. It's not so much a sinister problem as it is an unconcious one. 

You see it everywhere in kids these days...addicted to their technological devices, playing outside way less than kids used to. Where's this all going to lead? Probably more madness before things start to change. 

Well, end of my ramblings for today. Hope this made sense with my half-baked brain.