What I've Learned After 9 Years in Relationship

 Today, marks 9 years since my wife and I had our first date. I picked her up and we got ice cream at the infamous Purple Cow! Ironically, it was the same day her family gathered to honor her Pop's (grandfather's) passing. 

We hit it off right away, having great conversation for several hours. We were the last ones to leave the ice cream place. I remember how pretty she looked. She had such an attractive energy. She was great at asking questions and listening...a trait I had come to find astonishingly rare after dating quite a lot in my 20's and early 30's. I had been on many dates where the woman didn't ask me much (painfully boring).

I was 31 on our first date, so I had patiently waited for the right one, as they say. It's funny to think back on our dating days...we fell quickly and were so oblivious to the challenges life would bring. I guess that's probably the way it's supposed to be.

As I reflect on the main lesson I have learned in these 9 years (7 years married next month), it would have to be Conscious Communication. By that I mean, communicating very openly and honestly...about EVERYTHING. 

Well, not exaclty everything, but almost. All the little things that you might not think really matter, like who does what in the home. As well as, all the things relating to emotionality and the energetic connection in the marriage. 

For me, the biggest obstacle in learning how to consciously communicate has been: Not becoming defensive when she shared something that I didn't like hearing.

This almost killed our marriage. For the first several years we were together, we didn't communicate consciouslly at all. We were still in the honeymoon phase and hadn't yet realized how dysfunctional parts of our marriage were. We naively assumed that since we were two perfectly kind and decently self aware people, that things would just sort of work out well enough. Funny, I know.

She felt the dysfunction first (as women often do), and when she tried expressing honestly to me, I got super defensive and took it so personally. It hit my ego HARD. Yes, I got very butt-hurt. This was terribly frustrating for her because she started feeling alone in the relationship and like she couldn't come to me to talk about important aspects that she was struggling with. Her basic needs weren't getting met, and I wasn't showing an openness to hear about them.

On top of that, I was horribly ill with Lyme disease. I was in a bad place physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was a recipe for disaster. Thankfully, we avoided the disaster...but barely.

I eventually realized I had to make some changes or I was going to lose her (she told me this very bluntly). I knew that my core issue was I didn't know what a Man even was, or what a Husband should be like. I thought that being the Nice Guy was what a woman wanted. I wasn't the toxic asshole, so I figured that was enough. Clearly, I was oh so wrong. I felt like a boy inside, and desperately wanted to feel like a man.

I hired a coach who specialized in helping men discover their Healthy Masculinity, and started reading books and listening to podcasts on the topic. I was devouring information, but the problem was that not much of it was changing me. I knew I was in for a loooonnnnggggg road ahead. 

Eventually, I slowly began to embody some of what I had learned. The knowledge slowly seeped in, becoming practical wisdom. It felt good, but there were so many issues that we were trying to change at once, it felt like I couldn't get there quickly enough. It was a frustrating time. Just when things would start feeling optimistic, we would have a flare up again. This was the cycle we were in for many years. 

Sidenote: I wasn't the only one doing work, she was also. It wasn't like she was blameless or perfect, as is always the case in any relationship. Takes two to tango. It started becoming crystal clear to us that our dysfuction was a perfect match. Our traumas bonded us in the beginning. We both filled roles for one another and that's always part of what attracts people to one another at first. Not a bad thing. It's just that most couples stop there, and don't put in the work that's necessary to have an amazing and fulfilling relationship. It. Takes. WORK. And then it gets a hell of a lot easier. 

So, I was doing this deep work while also trying to heal from debilitating chronic illness...not a fun combo, it made life pretty tough. Those years were defitely the most challenging of my 40 years on this planet. Unsurprisingly to me now, I started seeing connections between the dysfunction in my health and marriage. I was working at undoing toxic habits and patterns that had been hard-wired and making me tick for 30+ years (no small task, let me tell ya).

Fast forward to today, I can certainly say that those struggles (health & marriage) were the most formative years of my life. A true gift. I went to some dark places and emerged a better man. Obviously, things aren't perfect (and never will be), but I have much more clarity now as well as many more tools in my toolbelt to deal with challenges when they arise. I now have a roadmap for the type of man I aspire to be and also a direction with finding complete healing from chronic illness. I've made a ton of progress, and the road ahead is still bumpy and long. 

I'm thankful for my suffering and know that I will be used to serve others who go through similar challenges. Through this journey, I have developed a particular passion for helping men to become better in relationships, and to go deeper into themselves to do the gruesome inner work that it takes to be a Healthy Empowered Loving Man that our world so desparately needs. 

Today, I am thankful for what I've been through and what I've overcome, because there were many days I wanted to quit. But I didn't...I kept fighting, kept living, kept giving it my best. And so, here's to the road ahead!