Sleepless Nights, Caffeine, & Surrender

Another rough night of sleep last night. So frustrating. For a few months, my sleep has been disrupted. Sometimes I have trouble falling asleep...most nights I wake up too frequently, tossing and turning...most mornings I wake up exhausted, not at all feeling rested from a good night's sleep.

I'm not sure what is the cause, although I have pinpointed caffeine as one main hindrance. During this season, I can't even have a few sips of coffee. I'm other-worldy sensitive to it right now. I've had other seasons of this during my healing journey, but it's usually made me feel wired and anxious, not really effecting my sleep like this time is. I also seem to be sensitive to chocolate because of its caffeine, especially if I have it later in the day. 

Even beyond caffeine, there seems to some other hindrance to having restful sleep. Not sure what is going on. Trying to move into it to ask myself, What am I to be learning through this? A poignant question my mentor often repeats. Not an easy one to really lean into during these types of challenges, but a wise quesiton I try to be asking myself more regularly. 

This brings me to Surrender, a main theme in my healing journey, especially the last year. As the saying goes, What you resist persists. Surrender has been one of the hardest damn things I've ever had to learn in my life. Accepting my limits and what I cannot do often feels so difficult because I feel like I'm moving backwards and losing myself. 

That seems to be the main problem: clinging tightly to a former version of myself, not wanting to let go. It's silly when I think about it because I always want to be growing and progressing into my Truest/Highest Self. And of course, it would be foolish of me to assume that could happen without parts of me dying. 

Death...what a frightening idea. I'm still terrified of it, which is probably why I have visceral negative reactions anytime I go see a doctor. Almost always, my body uncontrollably nervously shakes, especially if I have to undergo even the simplest test. Bloodwork is my worst nightmare. One time, I nearly passed getting bloodwork done. I have to take Ativan to calm my body just to get through it, but even then, it's a miserable experience for me. 

Why is Surrender so scary? Probably because I am a creature of comfort (like all humans) and surrender means letting go of the known and fully embracing the unknown. It means change. And change can be terrifying for some strange reason. Adjustment periods always feel incredibly disruptive: new job...moving...breakup...etc. 

Death & Change are two of the most consistent guarantees in life. I face death on a regular basis with all the critters that live around our house. Plus, we have a cat who loves hunting, so that increases the death toll. It pains me (literally) to be confronted with death of birds and bunnies and moles, but there's nothing I can do about it. And my resistance of wishing it didn't happen makes it feel even worse. 

So back to the question, What am I to be learning through this? To slow down...to be more present...to stop rushing through every single thing I do...to detach from my relentless thoughts and connect to the "felt sense" in my body, as Chris Bale so aptly says it. 

Why am I being called to give up caffeine? Same reasons I just mentioned. Caffeine is the rush drug, telling me: Get shit done and don't even think about slowing down! Tired?! I don't think so, compadre...have some more of me, then let's keep on going! Caffeien also keeps me in my head, disconnected from my body. My thoughts race and I feel sort of disconnected from reality, if that makes sense. It becomes difficult for me to focus or be present to the moment. It's like it wants to keep moving me along.  

I'm not demonizing coffee or caffeine. Just trying to explain my process regarding my relationship to actions and habits that tend to manifest when I feel caffeine in my body and nervous system, even if it is only a minimal amount. As you can tell, my system is way more sensitive than most people's. 

And for me this is particularly troublesome because my way of making a living is coffee. I have a coffee roasting company, and I want to feel connected to the product I'm selling and also I need to be cupping (sampling) new coffees I bring in. Thus my predicament. Plus, I love the taste. I wish coffee didn't have caffeine. And, yes, there's decaf coffee, but it doesn't have near the same flavors and it also still containts a minimal amount of caffeine which is currently still too much for my system. 

It's so easy for me to get into victimhood with this situation. Why me? Poor me. This sucks. On and on my ego cries out. Why isn't my default to see this situation as a new opportunity for change and growth? I'm trying to move that direction with it. I can feel that this part of me that loves playing the victim is dying off through this process. Well, one death anyway. It runs deep in me, so it's going to take years (or a lifetime) for that to come to completion. 

So, I choose to move deeper into this situation, surrendering and accepting. Allowing parts of me to evolve and die, trusting in the process of transmuation and spiritual alchemy. 

It is incredibly cathartic for me to write like this...to let my unbridled thoughts spill onto the page. It makes me feel known and understood even if no one is reading. My desire to start blogging again came from that premise...not really caring if my words sound tidy or even make perfect sense. To just write and let my authentic self imbue these pages. Writing in this way has always felt healing. And since I tend to be a perfectionist, I would never finish a blogpost if I didn't go this route. 😄

Well, if anyone actually did stick with me through this one, thank you for being here and for hearing me. I hope something I wrote finds resonace in your soul. Much love.