Hard Day Today

Hard day today. Been really challenging lately. In a trying season again, and don't know what to do to get out of it. This has been my norm for so many years now. Telling Beth today how frustrating and discouraging it is to be back here again. Like I'm not progressing. I know I am, but also feels like I'm not. 

The hardest part is the sadness and depression. So desiring to live in a "normal" life. To get back the life I once had when I was healthy and "funtional." Haven't been that way since 2019. One moment I feel pretty decent and then when I have one of my "crashes," then it's like I enter a different reality. A dark one. 

I don't ever have serious thoughts of taking my own life, but I do often think it would be nice to end the suffering. To just not exist anymore and have to feel this existential/physical pain. But I do want to live. I just want to feel good and healthy and normal, and not have to worry how I am going to be feeling from moment to moment, day to day.

It's such a strange pattern lately where I exert myself physically and then have one of my crashes, where I feel shitty physically & emotionally & mentally. Just yesterday it happened from mowing the grass for only 30 minutes. 

It was the end of my work day and I went to cut a portion of my elderly neighbor's grass. Weather wasn't even hot, was about 70 degrees, a tad humid. Came home and right away I knew I f*cked myself. The heat in my body took over and I felt a sense of malaise that has become so familiar. Then all the dark and negative thinking sets in where I just feel totally miserable. Angry, victimized, sad, frustrated, confused, fill in the blank. 

I don't know why this happens. Hopoing to get some answers from this health coach guy on Monday when I have my call with him. This MTHFR gene mutation really could have a lot to do with my illness. Makes sense from what I'm reading about it. 

But I've been down this road too many times before. Get my hopes up that something or someone is The Answer, only to be let down. Some things have helped before, especially Kambo. But nothing has truly been the answer. Guess nothing really should be when it comes to true healing & chronic illness. 

It really does help to express all this. I don't really talk to people about it much because who the hell wants to hear it? Everyone is dealing with their own shit. That's why you pay someone to "trauma dump," as the kids call it. For me, writing/journaling is cathardic. Talking reguarly with my mentor/friend has also helped a ton. Hoping we get to chat tomorrow. I always feel better and get more clarity aka see things from a higher perspective after our talks. 

Well, could always say more, but trying to keep these short. Til next time.