My Spiritual Journey

 "God is a metaphor for a mystery that absolutely transcends all categories of human thought, including being and nonbeing."    -Joseph Campbell

I used to be so certain about Christianity being the only one true Way. I suppose you could say I was totally setup considering I was handed that ideology from birth, and subsequently raised in a Christian ocean of school, church, and homelife. It was all very great actually. My family is the best I could ever ask for and my small Christian school and decent size church for a rural area all provided some great training for how not to be a dick. My first real rebellion  started around age 18 (also the age I had my first sip of alcohol and first got drunk). I'd always been told why drinking was so bad but never really understand why, so my group of close pals decided to give it a go. I'll never forget my first time! We walked over to our buddy's house and down to his basement where a handle of liquor was just begging to be drank. God, those shots were awful. I'm not sure how I didn't puke. But we pounded a few shots and waited to see what would happen. What an exciting moment! As you can imagine, it didn't take long for the effects to kick in. The rest of the night is somewhat of a blur, mostly because it was so long ago. We all had so much fun that we pretty much did this all the time for the next four years. Basically, we partied ourselves through college (as most kids do). Lots of booze and lots of pot. The All American Dream.

Those years were actually a blast. Yea, I did a lot of dumb stuff but I also had some awesome times with my very best friends (and strangers!). Booze helped me get out of my shell. BB (Before Booze) I was incredibly shy, especially with the ladies. In high school, I was terrified to talk to girls!! I would get all red-faced and have sweaty palms. I remember sitting next to my older high school girlfriend in the lunchroom and not even having an appetite because I was so damn nervous. I was lucky to eek  out three sentences to her during those 45 minutes of sheer agony. Looking back on my high school experience, I remember two things the most-- 1) Feeling super scared of people all the time and 2) Being really good at sports. Everything else is kind of blurry. Those two things greatly shaped my identity.

At the end of four wild college years, I started becoming super depressed for two reasons-- 1) My college girlfriend dumped me and 2) I was about to graduate college and had no clue what I was going to do with my life. I felt so lost and hopeless. Oh yea, and I also began having some pretty terrible panic attacks. I went to the ER twice before they told me what was going on. I felt like I was going to die. During one of those attacks, I sat on the toilet and told God that if he took away this terrible feeling then I would devote my life to him. I didn't really talk to God much. I took a sabbatical during my college years. I knew He'd be there waiting when I was done partying. At least I hoped so anyway.

Fast forward a few months later from toilet time. It was a normal Sunday morning and I decided to meet with a buddy and smoke some weed before heading to church with my parents. At church that day, I had this crazy mystical experience where I thought I heard Jesus telling me that I had no peace because I didn't have him. It almost sounds silly to me now to read these words, but that was one of the realest experiences I've ever had in my life. I remember crying in my chair and feeling really really hot. I walked outside after the service ended and felt like a different person. Colors looked brighter and I felt really good inside...like a different person. I had no more panic attacks after that day. So I did what seemed natural and became super religious.

No more drinking, drugs, or fornication. This was actually really good for me at that time. I need to grow the hell up and those church rules helped me mature and figure some things out without having all the partying cloud my thinking. I got super involved in church life and got some church friends. Just like the four year bender, I don't regret this religious time of my life either. I have some great memories and got close to some amazing humans. This went on for about six years. Toward the end of that time, I was working for the church I grew up in and had that mystical encounter. Things starting crumbling when I started to get curious about miracles and the Holy Spirit. I met a guy in a grocery store who turned out to be a super cool Christian. He wasn't an odd religious guy who followed a bunch of silly rules. He was super smart, he cursed, and he drank beer. He had an awesome wife too. I wanted to be more like this guy, so I started hanging out with him always asking him questions about this supernatural side of Christianity that I knew next to nothing about. 

This new cool friend of mine told about this pretty rad church in Redding, California that was experiencing the miraculous on the regular. So I quite my job and moved to California and went to a wacky and wild Charismatic Christian school, called Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry. I knew no one and had no job but I figured it would all work out. Bethel Church is where Jesus Culture was borne. Bethel is famous for their miracles and "heretical teachings"...so says the more conservative groups within Christianity. I was drawn to this place because I had never before been introduced to a God like this before. Also, it sounded pretty wild to get to see miracles and be in California. It all sounded very free and fun and intriguing...and warm! In the year that I spent there, I never really witnessed any obvious miracles. I heard a lot of people testify how they had prayed for someone and seen a blind eye open or a deaf ear suddenly be able to heal, but I never had anything like this happen in front of me. As much as I hated how this culture stroked egos and was all about The Show, I still wanted to perform a miracle! Who wouldn't?!? I had people tell me they saw angels on top of our building where we took our classes, and saw people dancing and shaking on the ground. I had some moments where I felt drunk in the Spirit and was laughing hysterically with friends. But all in all, I saw what I'd always seen in churches. Everyone just copies everyone else. Everyone wants to fit in, so they do what other people are doing. This is the human condition and it happens pretty much EVERYWHERE. Even places like Austin or LA, where people celebrate their weirdness. Being weird is how people connect. Everyone is there just being their own version of weirdness, but they are still all being weird. It's one of the reasons I don't want a tattoo anymore, because it feels more unique to not have one for a guy my age. But I digress. There was some pretty weird stuff that went on at Bethel, but I had a great experience and met lots of great people. I lived with two awesome guys in a dumpy old apartment in a shady area of Redding, but it was a hell of a good time! Since Bethel has worldwide popularity, I met human beings from all over the planet. But after a year here I was over the Bethel shenanigans and really missed my family. So I moved back to Pennsylvania.

Not long after being back in PA, I met a a guy who started mentoring me and introduced me to the Christian Grace culture. Their theology is typically more loving and open than the Evangelicals, but in a lot of ways things are mostly the same. During the two years that I was really into this Grace stuff, I took an online unaccredited class to learn more about Grace theology and really liked it. It was a new and refreshing perspective compared to what I was used to. We were discussing fun topics like Universalism. My newfound excitement for theology led me to enroll in a Masters program studying Theology through Regent University. In hindsight, it was a terrible fit. I didn't realize how conservative this school is...I should have done more homework. But I quickly jumped into the program because the price was right and more importantly, they offered a 100% online program. I wasn't ready to move anywhere again for school, so the online feature hooked me. I flourished in the two semesters with this program. My grades were good and I was enjoying it. One problem- I started seriously asking all the big questions about the Bible and Hell and God. The professors were nice enough, as were my fellow students, but there really wasn't much encourage for those types of questions. Those questions were "outside the box" of what was allowed. This started to feel like a theme in my life. Always wanting to venture outside the safe zone and talk about the stuff that no one else inside the community was talking about, but sure as hell had to be thinking about! So, I quit Regent after two semesters realizing it just wasn't a good fit for me.

Since then, I got married to my amazing wife! We rarely go to church, but I am more interested in religion and spirituality than ever before. I've been to several different religious services and have read countless books on various religions and philosophies. I've chatted with Byzantine monks at their monastery, attended a Muslim Mosque, visited an Eastern Orthodox service, hung out with the Quakers at several weekly meetings, sat with some Zen Buddhists for a chanting meditation, and have visited too many different Protestant denominations to count. I have learned to appreciate it ALL, even the evangelical world that I was raised in. I now recognize that most of religion is tribal. Humans like being a part of a clan, we are hardwired for that. That's why atheists even have church. Variety is good, it's the spice of life as they say. I have enjoyed gleaning from it all and have met some beautifully kind people everywhere I've been.With that being said, I do think that most of American Christianity is absolutely silly and anti-Christ. However, most of my family and some friends are still smack dab in the middle of it, so I'm not hating. I don't blame them or shame them for this. Heck, some of them don't even know that I feel this way. When you leave the tribe, you learn how to still kind of play along. Sometimes it's just not worth ruffling feathers, especially when you're a peacemaker like I am. I know so many wonderful people who are still very pleased to be living this American Evangelical Christian life...and that's what matters. Most of the time, people don't really BELIEVE in the stuff they think they do anyway. Most beliefs are simply abstract ideas that people adopt in their minds because it's what they grew up with or because it's what a preacher told them they need to believe. 

Do I believe in God? That depends on the definition of God. I don't know how to define that word, nor do I think we are supposed to. The venerable Joseph Campbell said, "God is a metaphor for a mystery that absolutely transcends all categories of human thought, including being and nonbeing." That's a God definition I can get behind!

Why don't I go to church much anymore? Quite frankly because it bores me most of the time. I'd rather be outside or read a book or hang out with my wife.

Do I think that Muslims and Atheists and gay people are hellbound? Hell no. I think that if you actually believe that, you need to take mushrooms or start hanging out with people who believe and live differently than you do.

Am I angry at Christianity? Sometimes. Depends on the day and the person. I think a lot of Christians are assholes and then a lot of them are very kind and loving people. This is true in every religion or philosophy.

What do I believe in now? I'm not really sure. I do my best to be a good person but I know I'll always fall short in certain ways. I don't really pray much because I don't really know how to anymore. I believe in something bigger than myself, I just don't really know how to put that into words. I see God in nature and I see God in the mentally handicapped man who can't walk or talk.


 I'm not sure what twists and turns will happen next in my spiritual journey but I'm quite certain I'll continue to enjoy reading and discussing and writing about it. I'm not sure if I'm a Christian or not anymore, but after-all that is just a made up word anyway. I do know that I'd like to be more intentional about helping others wade through the mess of American Christianity and talk about the big questions that matter most! Peace.