MEET AARON: a pal of mine who shares his story of being gay inside Christianity

I hope this is the first of many interviews where I highlight people's stories relating to religion or spirituality. I want to thank Aaron for being so bold and vulnerable in answering my questions. He is a friend I met in 2013 and he graciously agreed to answer some very raw and revealing questions about his story. Despite your beliefs on homosexuality, we hope that Aaron's story gives you a new and unique perspective. Aaron, I love you and I admire you.

Where did you grow up?
I grew up in a rural small town outside of Knoxville TN.

What is the BEST and WORST thing about the South? 
The best part of the South to me is that the Southeastern United states has all 4 seasons: Summer, Fall, Winter and Spring. The winters aren’t too harsh and it feels like summer most of the year. Also, family is always considered to be very important.

The worst part of the South is that most people are taught from a young age that thinking for themselves is wrong. Parents/leaders do not teach that one should think, ponder and explore for themselves. It is taught that Christianity/religion, a conservative mindset, complete biblical literalism, being republican and striving your way into heaven is the upmost important aspects of life. If you question these said beliefs or start to think for yourself, you are on a dangerous path to destruction.

What were your parents like? 
I have two extreme opposite parents.

My biological father was/is a very hard man to be around.
My father was very abusive to my family growing up. He starved us and abused us emotionally, mentally, and financially. My father is wealthy, however still starved us and would not let us buy groceries. I remember my grandfather would sneak and give us money growing up for us to hide groceries in the closet. My father doesn’t really have emotions, he cannot have a real conversation and his purpose in life is to obtain the most money he can by any means necessary. My family escaped and it was the best moment of our life.

My mother is the extreme opposite of my father.
She is kind, loyal, compassionate and honestly the most loving person I have ever met in my entire life. I strive to be like her. I have never met anyone as pure as my mother. She thinks for herself and encourages me to think for myself. My mother is a Christian, but she is not legalistic or religious. She is a mother to four small children so our roles changed from parent/child to friends many years ago. She is my best friend.

Were you raised in a religious environment? 
I was raised in a small, evangelical Pentecostal church with no more than 30-50 members in the mountains of Tennessee. The church believed in the complete biblical literalism, legalism, and taught that we work our way into heaven and that you could lose your salvation via doing wrong (sin). The word "backslidden" was used most of the time. They referred to backslidden as being someone who was sinning and not obeying God. If a backslidden person did not repent of their sin they would go to hell. Summed up, Jesus wasn’t really a person of love, instead we worshiped religion and legalism and to get into heaven you must be sinless through works and if you sin you are going to hell. We were taught we worked our way into heaven.

When did you start to feel confused about your sexuality? 
I started to feel confused about my sexuality in middle school.
From 1st grade to middle school I was teased and bullied by other boys in school.
I was called, "queer, gay, sissy and fag." Also, my older brother called me "queer" and "sissy" daily. He has since apologized for those years he hurt me. I was not attracted to boys yet and didn’t understand that I was gay. One day I was sitting by myself and I thought, “I must be gay since everyone has told me that I am." That thought was the start of me being confused about my sexuality.

What was it like growing up in Christianity as a gay man?
Growing up as a gay Christian man was very difficult.
I was raised to believe that homosexuality was a spirit inside of me that I needed to be delivered from to get into heaven. My entire life I knew I must be delivered of that spirit one day to get into heaven. When I was 19 I was in a church where multiple people prayed for me one night and tried to pray the "spirit of homosexuality" out of me. It was very traumatizing, I was scared and in a haze for a long time afterwards. It didn’t feel right. I confided in a friend/leader in ministry who told me that what happened to me was wrong.

Describe a time when you had a mystical experience:  
One time I was at a Christian retreat that I went to by myself. No one at this retreat knew me or had access to anything about me. There was a guy there that prayed for me. When he prayed for me he began to say things to me that Jesus wanted to say to me. They were specific things that my dad had said and done to me that I had never told anyone and no one else knew. All of it was very specific. He basically said everything that my dad had done and said to me. He told me that Jesus said he was sorry that this all happened to me. I cried for probably 3 hours straight without stopping.

What was your experience like at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry (BSSM)?
Over all I had a very positive experience at Bethel. I loved the church, I loved the music/worship and I met some of the best friends a person could ever have. I still consider those friends my family. I had great experiences with the Lord, grew personally and ultimately BSSM changed my life for the better. I was not allowed into the second year of BSSM because I confessed to my revival group pastor that I had engaged in a romantic way with another guy outside of the church. He said to me, “Aaron, my brother is gay, has had a partner for years; they own a house and boat together and he loves Jesus." He smiled at me and I knew it was his loving way of being able to affirm me without going against the rules of the school/church. He told me he would fight for me to get into second year because I had a pure heart, but he knew they wouldn’t let me in to the second-year program. I decided not to apply because that began my journey of merging my faith and sexuality.

What is the meanest thing a Christian has ever said to you?
The meanest thing a Christian has said to me is referring to homosexuality being "the same thing as bestiality or pedophilia."

What are your current spiritual beliefs or religious affiliations?
My current belief is that I believe in Jesus as the higher power. I believe that Jesus created me for the primary reason to be in a loving relationship with him and to share his life with me. Ultimately, life is a cool gift that he has given me. I do not have any religious affiliations at this moment. I am still pondering and working all of my other beliefs out.

What do you think about Christianity in America?
I think Christians in American truly have a genuine intention for good and at the core they are doing it for love and the right reasons. I think Christians in America need to primarily focus on loving themselves and others and stop trying to fix and change people.

What would you like to say to the people who think that being gay is a choice?
For a person to think being gay is a choice is dehumanizing. When the word choice is involved that means that what you are doing is solely tied to behavior. That means, being gay is a behavior that can change, can stop or can be fixed. Most gay people have tried to stop being gay, change to being straight and tried to fix themselves-- even in the non-religious gay community. When a person sees a person in the LGBTQ community and says that it is a choice,  this is detrimental to a gay person’s psyche and their very personhood/being. The belief that "being gay is a choice" is harmful, and tries to strip us of our very personhood. Being gay isn’t a choice to me, it is who I am and for me to try to change is for me to try to get rid of who I am emotionally, physically, mentally. If I changed I would not be the same person. It is way deeper than being "attracted to the same sex or having sex with the same sex.” If I denied by sexuality it would be as if I was looking at myself from a distance and not recognizing who I was... because to strip me of my sexuality is to strip me of the person that I am.

What is your greatest fear?
My greatest fear is marriage.

Do you have any dreams for yourself?
My dream is to marry a man, travel and just live a normal life in peace.

What is your hope for the world?
My hope for the world is that we all learn to be kind to ourselves and others.